Todae is the last dae of hols... and as usual, i dun want to go back... hehe... have not yet enjoy thru the hols... nt a single bit... all i did was staying at hm reading, running errands for mum, visting my grandparents... tat's wat i've been doing thru all my years... and nth else... i wonder y i dun feel a bit of sicky when i have been doing all these things all over again year after year... i dun have the ans to myself... i'm alone at hm nw and i was thinking of going to watch a movie... but thinking tat todae is a sun, everywhere is crowded wit ppl... i dun like crowded places... and oso i dun like noise... i prefer to have a quiet place all to myself... is this wat ppl call "lonely"? this word seems very close to me... like as if we've been gd frens for centuries... till nw i still cant understand wat is happiness... i wan to taste it... i seen ppl tasting it wit smiles on their face... hw gd is it? i dun noe... i can put on the smile on my freaking face, but i'm unable to taste the happiness like others do... i smile n laugh but still lonely is still wit mi... i'm nt saying tat i dun wan to be lonely anymore... all i wan is to taste happiness like everyone else is doing nw and then... i remember i told someone before tat my heart is as cold just like something i'm unable to describe... and the door in my world wont open cos it's tightly shut with a door lock on it... and no one is able to walk in thru tat door unless they have the key... till nw, no one has the key... i'm afriad to step out as i'm scare of getting hurt... i once try to walk out, and it turns out to be wat i have always been thinking... which is y i keeping rejecting someone else... everyone keep thinking tat i'm still thinking of that moment i had in the past... it hurts deeply down in my heart, but i had manage to let it go and heal it... but jus like wat i sae up there, i'm scare of getting hurt... and i'm scare of hurting ppl... i'm sorry for tat someone whom i keep rejecting... 'sorry to you, d... . no matter hw much time u willing to give mi and waiting, i dun think i'm going pick my guts up and step out ever again... i hope u will forgive mi by being selfish... i have nth to sae anymore other than a word call "sorry"...' as wat i've started from the first line... i havent prepare myself for sch... cos the first week of sch, there will be UT... omg.... nw u noe y i dun wanna go back... n nt onli tat... once sch starts, UTs will keep coming non-stop... omg.... haha... anyway i feel so contradicting....