another 3 mintues before 12 am... and my mum going haywire again... banging on things loudy... just because i'm talking on the phone... but i'm in the other room and she's slping in another room.... y cant she just relax n slp... hate her temper and character... i really wonder why i have such a mother... i dun see other mums behaving in such a way... i admit that my eyes are watery the moment... i'm angry with myself and scolding myself... y??? because i came to a place which make me miserable... often i keep thinking and asking myself y and wat will happen if i dun belong to anything in this world... would i be miserable...??? would i be more happy??? they will only think of me when they in need of me... just like some of my frens... y muz i be so silly to always help them... because i believe that things will change for the better... but time have prove me wrong again... they will nt be there for me when i needed so... the work load on my shoulder is so heavy... i cant free myself from it cos it's sticking on me... just like it use a super glue...
i'm nt satisfied wit my family... my life... entertaining ppl putting a fake smile... it feels so horrible inside... caring and concern for others... seriously i dun see others doing it back for mi... i'm just a stupid gal going round and round ppl and doing these things and cant find what i wanted the most from them... i envy those ppl who's thinking is simple and naive... because they dun think too much abt hw much they do for others... and they dun think if whether ppl will treat them back the same... i want to be like them too... like tat i also dun have to bother so much...
i used to have this thinking... think of sealing my memories and start all over again... but i dunno hw to reach to tat stage... i wan to forget everything that i remember... all of it... startin all over again isnt tat bad... at least u can forget the past and be a new u... be a new mi... though i will also forget the happy memories i had, but compare to the unhappy ones... onli 0.05% are happy memories... the rest of it are those that will make mi shead a tear... becoming a new me at least maybe i dun remember anything from the past...
i told hwee wun i wan to move out and live on my own... if god allow me to request something from him, i would ask him to let mi enter into his arms earlier than my specific time he has plan for me... culdle and slp forever in his wide and comfortable arms... god might think i'm lazy and useless, but i dun care anymore... i ask for forgivness... i dun think i'm strong enough to take in anymore things... really need to ask god for forgiveness for what i say now... but i cant take a single step in my life anymore... not anymore... i cannot take the test that he has plan for mi anymore... cos i'm nt strong enough to face it anymore... and i cant handle any of it no more... all i ask is to lead a simple life without having to face such things... i dun expect that nth will happen but nt soo much for me... the inner me is fragile... no one has step into my world... my inner world... i cant anyone who is suitable to step in... i lock my true self inside... i dun see the light in my world, nt because i lock myself inside... there's really no ppl who can make mi unlock myself... it's dark n cold... even if just for a few minutes, i want to be free and happy... and i'll be very content wit it.... i dun dare to ask for more...
the burden i have nw make me unable to move... unable to be free... feels so terrible inside...