Monday, I’m now at home just finished clearing up the mess that my mum made in my room. And this is the day I’m really broke down to tears. I have been feeling moody the whole day and took my UT after school. When I reached home I saw my room was in a big mess. Everything was thrown onto the floor and bad didn’t want to leave me. Before that I was on my way home, and when I arrived the interchange, the bus driver of bus number 161 told me to get down the bus and wait for other passengers to board before I can board his bus. I was so pissed off and if wasn’t rushing home I wouldn’t want to board the bus. So I was the last one to board the bus and I was carrying my heavy laptop and bag, there were no seats at all. I was so down to luck. When I reached home I saw my room in such a state really made me feel even worse.
I really broke into tears when I saw that. And lucky no one was at home and I wish I can be alone the whole night. I had enough, first day of school yet I was to face such things. I really had to thank my mum for bringing me to this world and be her object for her to vent her craziness on me. And I also want to thank her for reminding me that I could never replace my sis in her heart. I always thought that one day I could be able to do so. Yet God prove to me that my naïve thinking was not allow. God taught me that I was not able to get the mother love I wanted so badly ever since I was young till now which I really could not have it for my entire lifetime.
If my sis read this entry by chance, I won’t want to care about what she thinks. I live in her shadows and wasn’t able to prove myself to anyone my ability. All the eyes are set on my sis and I was kick to one side and neglected. I was being used whenever they needed me, and foolish enough to help them. No matter how convincing mum told me she treats the both of us fair and square, this time I’m not going to be so stupid and believe what she says. I learnt my lesson this time round and I’m not going to be so foolish no more. Thinking I might be able to replace my sis.
Now I understand the reason why I recently keep having the thought of suiciding. Knowing that every now and then your family is going to blaze off their bomb anytime they want to you is terrifying. You won’t have the will to live on, they are your own family and yet they can treat you in this way. God treat me very well for teaching me such a good lesson of life. Now I really feel like jumping off the building and let all these memories pass by me and forget about it. I don’t mind going to hell and suffer because it’s much better than living in such a life.
P.S: dying now is the only way I find my freedom and my path of freeing myself from all this pain. It’s the only way out I always seek to, yet keep hesitating to and hang on the border without my naïve determination of daydreaming.